1. Intro

Many wives who discover this site want their husbands to take them in hand, but if their marriage has not been a one in the past, this change is not always easy. People tend to keep interacting how they always have. To make a dramatic change, it is necessary to overcome the ‘momentum’ of the antecedent relationship style. That does not mean that such a situation is hopeless. Couples can and do make this change. But it sometimes takes a lot of time and trial and error before it feels as though it is working.

2. Joy and pleasure in the marriage.

Some men are not actually interested in taking their wife in hand, or don't really understand what their wife wants or how to do it, or they are attracted and appalled in equal measure. Some experience their wife's request as an onerous demand instead of an exciting opportunity to increase their own joy and pleasure in the marriage. But another problem some couples have is that the wife who wants to be taken in hand makes it difficult or impossible for her husband to do so. She does not intend to sabotage her husband's attempts to make this change, but that is what she does. She does not see that that is what she is doing, but she is. To her, the explanation for the fact that she is not being taken in hand lies not within her own conduct but in what she sees as her husband's lack of ability to master her. She thinks that he doesn't have it in him or isn't dominant, and this further undermines his efforts and his desire to take her in hand.

3. Keep your judgements to yourself

“But I would never tell him I think he's a wimp,” you protest. Or “But I don't think he's a wimp, I think he just isn't interested in this stuff, so can't get his head around it.” Do you think that you manage to keep your disappointment and damning judgements to yourself? If you are able to successfully hide these things from your husband, you are an unusual woman. The chances are that if you think that your husband doesn't have it in him to take you in hand, or isn't interested in taking you in hand, you are inadvertently systematically sabotaging the very learning process that could lead to what you want. One of the biggest barriers to any kind of change in a relationship is that people naturally interpret events in the light of their view of the other person. You think that your husband is a little mouse without a dominant bone in his body, and that is how you see him, even if he has actually changed or was never a mouse in the first place. When you interpret his behaviour in the light of that damning picture of him, you interact with him as though he were the little mouse you think he is. And when you do that, you tend to push him into the very role you are hoping he will change.

4. Creating a relationship

How would you feel if your husband were constantly disappointed in you? Constantly wanting you to be like the women in movies, or like his mother? How would you feel if even when you tried to make changes accordingly, he didn't even notice? If your every effort was not good enough? How would you feel? Think of it from his point of view. You've been married a while, and you have not previously given him any indication that you want him to take you in hand. He, being a decent man, has thus not done so. But now you are saying that you want a relationship. He may be interested, or he may feel cautious, or he may wonder if you really want it, or he may not be sure exactly what you want, or whether or not it is for him. He loves you and he is prepared to give it a try, but he needs to think about it and find his own way to take you in hand, he does not want to be dictated to by you. He also (very wisely, in fact) wants to take it slowly, and he doesn't necessarily want to talk to you explicitly about it. Creating a relationship is an evolutionary process, not a recipe he must follow. Were he to follow your recipe, you would not be satisfied, because you would be in control!

5. Give the woman you love what she wants

You interpret his refusal to follow your recipe as him not being interested, or as him not having it in him, and you start trying to push him. This really annoys him and makes the whole thing seem like a real chore and of no possible benefit to him, and he stops moving towards taking you in hand. Worse, you seem completely blind to the changes he has already made. What he has done to take control and take you in hand not only seems to be not enough for you, you have not even noticed that he has changed at all. You are still interacting with him as though he has made no effort whatever to take you in hand. This is painful to him, or very annoying, or both. He has made himself vulnerable by trying to give the woman she loves what she wants, and she hasn't even noticed. He feels your dissatisfaction and disappointment, and he is discouraged and annoyed. He stops bothering. What's the point? You are blind to his efforts anyway. Why bother? To him it seems as though it is not him you want but a fantasy hero marionette who will act a part in your play, with you pulling all the strings. If he does have a dominant bone in his body, he is likely to find this completely unacceptable! Think about it! It is insulting. It is disconnecting instead of connecting. It is any wonder that he has misgivings?

6. Be patient and positive

So he retreats back to how things were before. And you are even more frustrated. If you are just beginning your journey, how can you avoid undermining your husband's attempts to learn to take you in hand? By being patient and positive. By noticing and enjoying the smallest changes in a direction. By noticing and enjoying the things he is already doing that are masculine or masterful. By giving him the respect he deserves as a man and as your husband, whether or not you think he deserves it. By thinking about him for a change, instead of yourself. By giving him the time and space to do it his way. By accepting and appreciating his small changes rather than feeling frustrated and dissatisfied with them. By striving to see him as the dominant man you want him to be, and letting that more positive view of him inform all your interactions with him.

7. In conclusion

And when I say that you should strive to see him as the man you wish he were, I do not mean that he is not that man, I am just using that form of words because that is your perception of him. But actually, as I have said above, the chances are that what you see in him may not be accurate at all. He may well already be the man you wish he were, but you just haven't noticed. Or he may be moving in that direction, but you haven't noticed. Or there may be many things about him that are that man you wish he were, but all you see is the glaring gaps where he is not – or seems not to you. Interacting with him as though he already is that man will give the two of you the best possible chance to make positive changes. It is the best way to minimise the chance that you will inadvertently prevent him expressing the dominant side of him that may have been hidden for a long time. It is also the best way to open your eyes to the man he already is.